We just finished our second week of school and it has come with so much anxiety and stress for me. I had a few little breakdowns and the feeling of being overwhelmed was kinda taking over. I am sure that all other parents that have special kids go through a wave of emotions on the regular, but this past week has been my worst so far.
The principal called me last Friday to let me know one of my daughter's was in the office. I was devastated to say the very least. My Kindergartner was taken to the Principal's office on the third day of school... for biting a classmate. I just could not handle it. I felt horrible for my child. I felt horrible for the other child whose parents had to get that call. So many frustrations were running through my mind. Biting is definitely not age appropriate for a five year old. Why does my child get so frustrated that she does this? Why do I have to get these calls and have the conversations? I literally lost it in a flood of tears.
Everything carried over into the weekend. It was so rough. Explosion after explosion. One of the hardest weekends we have had so far with both kids. I tried my best to stay calm and do the best I could. But I was sick and tired of feeling lost and hopeless the majority of the time. Not feeling like I had the right answer, the right approach. I feel so unsure about it all 99% of the time and it makes me feel unsuccessful as a parent. So, I escaped into the books and into the pod casts and just continued this search for information that I was expecting to give me the magical answer to solve all the problems.
This in turn, started a mini spiral. I felt so guilty. I started to realize how many times I was telling them to stop doing things, coming at them with negativity (even if I wasn't saying it in a mean way). I got to thinking about how often they really hear and feel that what or how they are doing any and everything is "wrong". And that is the last thing I have ever wanted. And to feel I was part of what I consider the problem to be, hurt me to the core. I starting feeling sorry for myself and placing blame on myself. I thought if I didn't have my own struggles (I have a lot of anxiety, I discovered as an adult I have a learning disability- dyscalculia, and show many of symptoms of ADHD even though I have never been formally diagnosed) I would be more successful with my children and helping them navigate their struggles productively. But I quickly snapped out it, thankfully!
And I am not sure when it happened, but this light bulb went off in my mind and I came to this heartbreaking realization that I was forgetting to love my kids. Don't get me wrong, everything I do is for my girls. They really are at the center of my world and all I do is with them in mind. But when it was coming to dealing with their diagnosis I was forgetting to focus on love and compassion. I was getting so caught up trying to "fix" them I was forgetting to love them during those intense moments of struggle.
These are hard things to feel, hard things to realize. But I am still growing into this role. Fuck, I am still growing in general! Life is going to be hard no matter what. I just don't want that to get in the way of loving my sweet little angel babies unconditionally.
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