Back To School Anxiety

We just finished our second week of school and it has come with so much anxiety and stress for me. I had a few little breakdowns and the feeling of being overwhelmed was kinda taking over. I am sure that all other parents that have special kids go through a wave of emotions on the regular, but this past week has been my worst so far.

The principal called me last Friday to let me know one of my daughter's was in the office. I was devastated to say the very least. My Kindergartner was taken to the Principal's office on the third day of school... for biting a classmate. I just could not handle it. I felt horrible for my child. I felt horrible for the other child whose parents had to get that call. So many frustrations were running through my mind. Biting is definitely not age appropriate for a five year old. Why does my child get so frustrated that she does this? Why do I have to get these calls and have the conversations? I literally lost it in a flood of tears.

Everything carried over into the weekend. It was so rough. Explosion after explosion. One of the hardest weekends we have had so far with both kids. I tried my best to stay calm and do the best I could. But I was sick and tired of feeling lost and hopeless the majority of the time. Not feeling like I had the right answer, the right approach. I feel so unsure about it all 99% of the time and it makes me feel unsuccessful as a parent. So, I escaped into the books and into the pod casts and just continued this search for information that I was expecting to give me the magical answer to solve all the problems.

This in turn, started a mini spiral. I felt so guilty. I started to realize how many times I was telling them to stop doing things, coming at them with negativity (even if I wasn't saying it in a mean way). I got to thinking about how often they really hear and feel that what or how they are doing any and everything is "wrong". And that is the last thing I have ever wanted. And to feel I was part of what I consider the problem to be, hurt me to the core. I starting feeling sorry for myself and placing blame on myself. I thought if I didn't have my own struggles (I have a lot of anxiety, I discovered as an adult I have a learning disability- dyscalculia, and show many of symptoms of ADHD even though I have never been formally diagnosed) I would be more successful with my children and helping them navigate their struggles productively. But I quickly snapped out it, thankfully!

And I am not sure when it happened, but this light bulb went off in my mind and I came to this heartbreaking realization that I was forgetting to love my kids. Don't get me wrong, everything I do is for my girls. They really are at the center of my world and all I do is with them in mind. But when it was coming to dealing with their diagnosis I was forgetting to focus on love and compassion. I was getting so caught up trying to "fix" them I was forgetting to love them during those intense moments of struggle.

These are hard things to feel, hard things to realize. But I am still growing into this role. Fuck, I am still growing in general! Life is going to be hard no matter what. I just don't want that to get in the way of loving my sweet little angel babies unconditionally.

My Kids Have ADHD

This is something I have wanted to write about for a long time. But it really is such a tricky thing... to have kids with any kind of diagnosis. It's tricky to think about, talk about, and write about and I think that is why it has taken me so long to feel comfortable enough to express myself.

I have identical twin daughters and they have (nearly) identical diagnoses. They were officially diagnosed with ADHD (combined type and one girl has motor overflow, hence the nearly aforementioned) and Sensory Modulation Dysfunction earlier this year. And it came as such a relief! We finally had clear answers after waiting for almost a year to have them officially evaluated. Both their Dad and I are committed to advocating for them in every way. We want nothing more than to see them successful in school and beyond. I am not a "labels are for jars, not people" type of person. And it is totally okay by me if you are that type of person. But having a label affords me the opportunity to research and learn and find as many resources as possible for my kids.

But at the same time I don't want my children to be defined merely by these labels, however helpful they are. They are both insanely smart (they have so many species of dinosaurs and their specs memorized), they are super social and such caring friends. They are artistic and love to express themselves in many media. I could really go on and on, like any typical parent out there. 

But my kids are different. Their brains are literally different and they experience the world in a different way from their neurotypical peers. And I want them to know that their way is not incorrect. Their difference is not a bad one. 

Like I mentioned before this is all pretty new for us. This journey started a little over a year ago when we relocated to Oregon. Our new pediatrician here (who is AWESOME by the way) made a comment to me on the second visit we had with her. After observing their behavior she asked me if they were always like this (referencing the obvious hyperactivity) and I told her almost always. She asked if I wanted to explore this and I said yes. And in that moment I felt like there was hope because for the year and a half or so prior to that we honestly thought we just had "bad kids". We never considered there could be a underlying issue. There were so many times we thought it was because of something we were doing or not doing. There was a lot of guilt surrounding their behavior and there were so many time we felt like shitty parents.

Long story short, we got EI (Early Intervention) services in place at school. They qualified for services based on assessments and evaluations completed by us (the parents), teachers at school, and specialists. The girls were both on IFSPs (Individualized Family Service Plan)and had a specialist work with them in the classroom every two weeks. This helped so much while we were on the waiting list for the official determination. EI will not diagnose a child, but based on the data they collect they are able to create appropriate goals to help in areas of delay. In the case of our kids were the areas of social/emotional, cognitive (more specifically executive function), and adaptive- pretty common for kids with ADHD. 

I am so happy for their EI specialist that worked with them leading up to Kindergarten. She made such a difference and helped us so much too, especially in those early stages. We were so confused and had no clue what to do, where to start. She gave us a lot of support and resources and I am so grateful for that.

The girls started Kindergarten yesterday and their IFSP transformed into an IEP (Individualized Education Program). It basically means they get formal help in elementary school. We had a big meeting before the end of the last school year, so it would be ready to go before they started K. All of the important players were there - the girls EI Specialist, a rep from the school district (who had met and evaluated them twice before), a Kindergarten teacher, the school psychologist, the special education teacher, and a practicum student from the U of O for good measure (they asked ahead of time if it would be okay if she sat in for the meeting as a learning experience, and we said it would be fine because we are nice people and this has kinda become a motif surrounding the twins which maybe can be expounded on later). 

I feel like the team of people at the elementary school are so dedicated, not just to our kids, but to every child there. The Kindergarten classrooms have alternative seating (bouncy chairs, swivel seats, etc.) already in place for every child to have access to. This was important for us because we feel alternative seating is an accommodation our girls will benefit from. The goals we created I feel are perfect for our kids and they get sensory breaks and support when needed. They will break out for 40 minutes per week to focus on the areas they need help in with one on one instruction. At this point I couldn't ask for more and that may be because I don't know what more to ask for yet, but I feel comfortable with what we have in place. 

It is only the second day of school, so we really need some time to see what is successful in their IEP. We just have to wait and see how they do. Outside of school we are doing PCIT (Parent-Child Interaction Therapy). This just began, so I am excited to see the results. OT is still in the works and hopefully starting for them soon. And because rigorous physical activity was recommended we start Ninja Zone classes next week. The class combines martial arts and gymnastics (two activities they both have expressed interest in) along with obstacle course training and free movement. I think they will have a blast and get the physical activity they crave.

We are doing all we can do and will continue to do all we can do. We are committed to being advocates for our amazing kids. So, I will keep reading the books, looking up articles online, going to parent meetings- whatever it takes. This is all still pretty new and I have a lot to learn. I am eager to delve more into the Special community and see where this journey takes us!